Journey Of A Broken Heart!

About 8 years ago, I was looking for a new place to live. Where I had been living for the first 12 years of my time in Melbourne, had become ridiculously over-priced in Brunswick East. I was working, at the time, in Kensington, and so I thought I would find somewhere in the area would be handy, especially for avoiding traffic. One of the places that I inspected was in Footscray, on Ballarat Rd. I knew pretty well as soon as I walked through the place that it wasn’t for me, but I kept on looking around, because one of the other rent-seekers was looking kind of hot, and even more to my surprise, occasionally looked back. However, me being me, missed the opportunity (or that’s what I thought, at the time).

One year down the track, I’d found my new home in Ascot Vale Road, and was visiting a local beat, when a sexy looking fella happened to show up. We played for a bit before he suggested going back to his place where we could have more fun in greater comfort. He gave me the address. I had a few things to do before I could arrive, and told him I would be there in an hour or so. When I arrived at the address, I realised it was the same place that I had looked at a year previously. Then it dawned on me: he was the same hot fella that had also been looking at it! That day, and well into the night, we had some great fun, and appeared to connect on more than just a physical level, as we both loved movies, especially science fiction. For a year, off more than on, I would drop by every now and again where, more often than not, we would just talk and watch movies, but on a couple of occasions, we would play … okay, fuck! On just about every occasion after the first few, I indicated that I was interested in more. I was never encouraged into thinking that there was more on offer, but then neither was I discouraged. I wasn’t told that it was just a sex thing, because it there had only been sex twice in that year. So, naturally, it wasn’t really a relationship of any kind, just an acquaintanceship with benefits. So it was my own fault that I began imagining and hoping for something that wasn’t there, and when I happen to run into him at the beat, almost a year to the day, and suggest that we go back to his place, he just came out and said, “I can’t do this anymore!” It was never made clear what ‘it’ was, but I never got to see him anymore. I was devastated. My heart was broken!

To be fair, though, he had a few things that he was going through. He was interested in someone else, who from the sounds of it, had been stringing him along whilst being in an ‘on-again/off-again’ relationship, and there were health issues that he had to deal with. Unfortunately, he chose to go after the other fella, who was playing him, rather than me, who would have loved him.

But I didn’t give up hope! There were a few online sites (smart phones and apps weren’t really a thing at this stage), that I knew he was on. Every six to eight months, I would send a couple of messages, hoping that all was well with him and that life was treating him well. Never a reply, but to be honest, I wasn’t really expecting one, let alone for him to come running back into my arms, realising the mistake he had made in letting me go.

About 3 or 4 years later, I was at Highpoint Shopping Centre and thought I saw a familiar face. I did my best stalker imitation (which can be REALLY good when I have my sights set on someone … maybe TOO good??) and followed him for a few seconds to confirm if I was right. I was. I approached and said g’day. Went in for the hug and immediately noticed how much weight he had lost. Regardless of that, I still found him to be very sexy. It’s something about his eyes, his smile and his face. He’s one of those people that just draws people to him, regardless of if they are good or bad for him. It was only a one minute re-connect, if that, but it put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. (I think at this stage, you’re probably thinking that I am beyond hopeless romantic, and just plain mental!)

That then brings us up to last year. It was about that time, around July, that I happened to notice that he was on the same website that I had known him to be on all that time ago. I sent a message, hoping that all was well, and if he was interested, maybe we could catch up for a coffee sometime, to which I meant … catch up for a coffee and chat. For those that don’t know (and I’m not sure if it is the case these days, I’m so not in the game … that I really think I was ever in it!), but ‘catching up for a coffee’ on these kinds of sites generally meant a hook-up for sex. Much to my surprise, he responded and said it would be great. But even with this reconnection, he still took a month to finally come around, still having a few medical issues, and drama in his life with his then flatmate. And then it happened. He came over to my place and stayed overnight, and it was good. I didn’t sleep much: not because of hours of sex, but just being unused to having someone else in my bed. It had been more than a decade since I had had someone sleeping with me overnight (not to say that I hadn’t had any sex in that time, I had, but very little of it at home, and none that stayed over). On September 11, we exchanged “I Love You!”. For me it had been 8 years in the making, and he said it first because he felt that I deserved to hear it first. I’m not sure if the date was portentous, but time was soon to tell.

We spent the next 6 months seeing each other and spending time together, more at his place than mine, as his was a much better set up. I’ve still got an old analogue TV that I use just to watch my dvds on (going to have to change that soon, as I just bought a new, but cheap, blu-ray dvd player), and it is only a 24” screen (huge compared to what I had been using previously, and when I bought it … almost 20 years ago!) There were a few times that he mentioned that he was scared of the connection that we had, but couldn’t really explain what was so scary about it. There were the occasional times he would cancel a sleep over or a visit as he was still too much in his time and needed to just have the day to himself. He also explained that during the years that he had been an escort (of which he still did on occasion, just not while his leg was healing) that he had become desensitised to sex, so while he wouldn’t always initiate it, he wasn’t against having it. These things I got, I understood. (There is/was a lot more going with him that I haven’t explained as it would make this even longer than it is, and it’s easier to say that there were still some issues present which I empathised with, if not fully understood.)

On the bright side, we did get to spend all the major days together: both of our birthdays, Christmas, New Year’s, St. Valentine’s Day (but in hindsight, I wonder how genuine that was, or was it perhaps the last genuine time before things came crashing to an end?)

It was on Easter Sunday,April 16, 2017 that I got completely knocked for a six. Being the ‘single’ fella at work, ie. not married and with kids and a family, I was informed that I would be working on the Sunday, but because Monday was a public holiday, I would be able to have that off. My work time was 1530 – 2330. I finished work at 0730 Saturday morning, went home and changed, got a few things together and then went over to his place. We spent the night together, watching movies, cuddling, as per normal. I eventually fell asleep, and he kept on rattling around the house (he’s on a disability pension and has his sleep patterns skewed all over the place!) I made us an Easter breakfast on Sunday morning, having secreted a few Easter gifts around the bedroom when he’d gone to the toilet during the night, hoping that he would be too sleepy to notice them until the morning. I was successful! Then it came time for me to go to work. I left early enough so that I would get there with time to spare (as is my wont), which was easy as it was only a 15-20 minute walk from his place. I finished at 2330 and walked back to his place. He had cooked a roast the previous day, so there were leftovers for me to make a sandwich with when I returned. We lay down to watch some TV, and due to my work schedule which had been in place for a few months, I was feeling pretty knackered (Wed/Thurs: 2130 – 0900, Fri: 2130 – 0730 and normally Monday 0600 – 1230. As I mentioned, this time, however, for the Sunday, it was 1530 – 2300). So, lying back, I was feeling fairly drowsy. He got up to go to the kitchen or the toilet and when he came back, he asked if I could go, as he needed his head space. I asked if he wanted me to sleep in the other room, which he said, “You could sleep in there, but no, I need to be by myself tonight. I need my head space!” So at approximately 0130 – 2000 Easter Monday morning, I was getting dressed, ordering an Uber and leaving like I was some trade that had been picked up and was overstaying their welcome. Even as I was getting dressed, I asked, “Are we breaking up?”, but I wasn’t given a specific answer, just a reiteration of the ‘head space’.   

For the next week, I didn’t see him, but we were texting relatively as per usual. No phone calls, but texts. He expressed gratitude to being given the space and we arranged to catch up again the following Sunday. This we did, and it was then that the official break up happened. Easter Sunday was the technical breakup (I’m yet to know when the actual break up happened, but I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get some questions answered soon.) It didn’t come as surprise, but it still hurt like hell. He told me that with all that was going on with his family at the moment, and his health issues at the moment (currently they are listed as: a shoulder surgery that should have occurred in March still has to happen, a haematoma on his left foot, a fractured tibia and meniscus tear on the right leg, and just recently being told that he has a cataract in his left eye that isn’t covered by his Health Insurance and will cost $3,000 for private, or over a year waiting on the public health system, so yeah, I did get that he had these issues) he needed this space. He then went on to tell me that he wasn’t sure that he could really do relationships, that he was more of a loner, that he had been in bad 6 month relationships and a bad 6-year relationship that should have only lasted months. Of course, there were tears, mainly from me, but at least his eyes welled up a little, so there may have been some feeling there. To rub it in, he said that I was still the kindest man he’d ever met.

I don’t know about you, but I left there feeling hurt (read: wrecked!) and confused. There were questions that I should have asked, but wasn’t in the right mind (any mind!) to be able to formulate them, let alone ask them. It took a few days, but I was able to put them down in an email. I didn’t send it straight away, as I wanted to get it right, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to wait too long and tinker with it too much, as I wanted it to be as honest, forthright and accurate as I could. I knew if I waited too long, my mind would reshape the memories (for better or worse) and it would less clear. I sent the email 3 weeks ago, and sent a text to as a heads up, letting him know that it wasn’t sent out of vindictiveness, attempted guilt-tripping or anger … just as a desire to know. He said he would read it and get back with a timely reply as soon as he could. Throughout the ensuing time, I was checking my emails, of course, but also checking out the site that we were both on. I noticed that his activity on it was becoming more frequent until this weekend passed, he was on it for most of the weekend.

Today, May 16, he was supposed to go to the Fracture Clinic for a check up on his knee. After receiving the official break-up, I had asked if he would still like me to come to his next appointment with him. His reply was, “If you want to.” It wasn’t a no, it was up to me. I’d been with him through this since the start, so of course I was interested to see how his leg was progressing and what the latest prognosis was. I was also aware that this would probably be the last time that I would be going to his appointments.

I realised from the start that I was setting myself up for a good deal of hurt, but it had to be done, as part of my closure. I didn’t remind him that I was coming over for the doctor’s appointment, mainly so that I could arrive and see if there was someone else there, but also, I didn’t want to give him the chance to say no. My thinking was that should there not be anyone there, then at least we could have a talk so that I could know that if there was something I had done wrong, what it was, so that I could at least not make the same mistake/s in the future. I caught the bus, disembarked at the appropriate stop and walked to his house. I knocked on the window, as was the norm because he kept his screen door locked and he spent most of his time in the bedroom anyway. I waited at the front door and then heard the bedroom door open. He opened the front door, but not the screen door (which anyone on the outside can’t see through). He told me that he had someone over and that we would talk later. I asked him if he had his appointment today, but he said that he had called and rescheduled … and then some other stuff, but I wasn’t really hearing it at that stage. He thanked me, and I left. I’ve sent a message hoping that we can sit down and have an honest, face-to-face talk so that I can get some closure, find out what went wrong, what did I do wrong? I told a friend that I was sure that he would be seeing someone within two months of us breaking up, maybe not in a relationship sense, but seeing someone, because, as mentioned earlier, he has this aura about him that draws people to him.

The questions I hope to have answered are:

• ·         At what point did the relationship go south? If he truly meant what he wrote in the Valentine’s Card, what happened between February 14 and April 16 for things to break down. What did I do? What didn’t I do?
• ·         When he said that he didn’t think he could do relationships and that he was desensitised to sex, was that in general, or just in my case?

And, of course there are the other questions like was he seeing anyone else while we were together (I understood that he still needed to do escorting to raise extra cash to live on, and I was fine with that). Was it the fact that I had said that, outside of the escorting, I hoped for a monogamous relationship, but I did ask what he wanted. I can’t recall what exactly he said (something about so long as his man came home to him, I think), but he never really said any more than that, one way or the other.

I don’t get out on the scene much, as even when I did, I never really felt that I fit in. As far as the apps and sites go, I gave them a try, 10 years or so ago, but in the gay world, when you are an average looking fella (I’m not ugly but I’m not handsome/attractive … the most common word used for me is ‘nice’) and approaching 50, the odds are significantly reduced. Due to my work hours (Hospitality previously and overnight call centre now) I’ve never been able to enjoy a regular social life and be able to join groups to meet people. I know that’s partly my issue and it’s not all to blame on the ‘scene’, the ‘community’, etc. Even before we re-connected, I’d been thinking that if I was going to ever have a shot at a relationship, it would be with him, but now that that is been shot down in flames, I can’t see it happening. I’ve been in Melbourne for 20 years this coming November, and in that time, I’ve had 5, now, affairs? encounters? flings? that have lasted no more than 6 months. That’s basically one every 4 years, and with a couple of them, I’d met them previously and didn’t actually get to connect until years later. I’ve had no such connection of late to hang my hopes on.  And if his previous relationships have been anything to go by, apparently, I need to become a self-centred, abusive prick to be successful. I know that if I really try, I can be a bit of a prick sometimes, but definitely not abusive and hopefully no more self-centred than most people.

This has been my journey through the rubble of a broken heart!