Apathy Makes the Heart Slow Longer

Two months of lacking any real motivation! It’s kind of scary! Clearly, I’m not happy with where my life is at, at the moment, but I am grateful that for what I do have: a roof over my head, money coming in, more than just the bare essentials for existing. I would like more flexibility and freedom, however. But my life is clearly not so uncomfortable that it is providing motivation and impetus to change it. Again, I’m confronted with the question of am I just too lazy to move out of my own way, too uninspired, or too lost and directionless? Unfortunately, I think that it might be a generous dose of all three, plus one or more of the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices.

It’s clear, from past experience (especially when it comes to bills and finances), that I work better with a goal, something that can visibly be measured. I find it so much easier to pay down a bill than I do to save up to an amount. To be honest, those are really the only kind of goals that I usually end up achieving. The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that they have repercussions if I don’t follow through on them. Having a goal like a holiday or saving a certain amount doesn’t have the same kind of implications.

I’ve read many self-improvement books that say we run from pain and run to pleasure. Unfortunately, for me, running from the pain is the greater motivator, and it would appear that my capacity to endure pain is higher than would be preferred. It would appear that pleasure doesn’t have as great a compulsion or magnetism for me as it does for a lot of people. The thought that just popped into my head: Does that make me lazy, or apathetic?

Over the years, I’ve read many profiles online, both for and against, the idea of someone to ‘complete’ them.  I may fall into that category, but then there are other times when I think that I don’t necessarily need someone to complete me, but to simply act as that ‘flashpoint’, that catalyst, which will spark me into a better me.  Is it possible that for there to be a ‘better’ me, it will be more rewarding for the better me to be for someone else? Am I an empty vessel that needs someone else to fill me with a purpose to bring a greater meaning to my life, and a greater fulfilment to me? Do I need to be helping others more before I can even think of helping myself? (This last one is also a common theme that has been springing up in the aforementioned self-help books.)

I’m guessing that I need a fire of some sort to be lit under my arse to get me truly ‘going’! It’s just a matter of how big does it need to be, and with what kind of fuel does it need to be fed before my brilliance can truly burn!