So, I was in the shower this morning, when I had a thought.
(It’s funny how I have many great … and not so great … thoughts in the shower!)
I guess you can’t really determine what, where, who or when will be for your
muse. Actually, it wasn’t so much as a thought, as a concern. I felt, and still
do, like I am floundering, probably in both sense of the word: I’m a bit like a
landed flounder, out of water, flipping and flopping around, but not really achieving
anything, going nowhere and getting all the more exhausted for the ‘effort’.
Which is more like the intended meaning of the word, where I’m feeling bogged
down, stagnant and in a definite state of ‘non-progress’.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I’ve been exposed
to, engulfed by and generally immersed in this sense of helplessness. I’m aware
that there are people out there living in far greater dire circumstances than I
am, but I’m not living their lives, I’m living mine. And that’s part of the
problem: AM I living my life? And if I was to honestly answer that question, I
would have to say, “No!”
Apart from feeling like I am floundering, other questions
that bubbled to the surface of my mind as the water washed over me were (and I
hate to say that these questions, also, are not new to me): do I know how to
live? Do I know how to love? Do I know how to have fun? And I supposed, even to
a degree, do I REALLY know how to be me? (Of course, the whole, “Who is me?”
question is an entirely different and other entry, and probably WELL over 500
words!)
I would have to say fear is one of my great anchors. Fear of
rejection, fear of being alone, fear of success … to a degree … fear of
failure, fear of losing control, fear of being in control. With all this fear,
you would think it’s a wonder I can get out the door in the mornings! Luckily,
I haven’t become that bad, and I have a gut feeling that I will never get to
that stage. At the very least, I enjoy people watching and perving WAAAY too much!
I think I probably look too much for outside sourced to give
me my inspiration and motivation. I know I have a tendency to over think
things, and suffer from analysis-paralysis. But it’s also a case of passion and
desire. Why would I want to commit to something that I only have a lukewarm
interest in pursuing. I’m only considering it because it’s basically all I
know. I’m not sure if I need to sit down and have a good hard look at myself,
or if that’s the problem: I’ve been spending too much time running over it all
in my mind.
I’m at the edge of the pool, ready to jump in. I know it’s
going to be as cold as hell. But you can’t learn to swim from the blocks.
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