Once again, my mind turns to love, partnerships and people
that are just out of my reach, for whatever reason. My lonely heart is once
again baying at the moon, howling at the eternal midnight of my love-life. And
after these heart wrenching calls have torn through the silence, and faded into
the still, cold emptiness, the moon continues to shine down, teasing with its
light of hope, and yet invoking no reply.
Okay, so maybe that sounds a little more depressing and
morose than the situation really is, but it isn’t too far away, either. What
has stirred the muddy waters of my longing this time? Another face that I have
long known of and about has finally noticed me and acknowledged me….kind of.
As I have written about previously, I know of and recognize
many people, but due to whatever reasons, they don’t know of me and I don’t
register on their radars. Well, one of these people has come into my life. Or I
guess more accurately, is passing through the outer fringes of it. I understand
that he is going through a difficult time in his life, and has been for a few
years now. But then, he also showed interest after our first ‘encounter’ and
seemed keen to catch up, and not only ‘encount’ some more, but also make it a
little more broad. i.e. not just sex but
social activity as well. However, when I broached the subject with him, he’s
been very reluctant to commit to it, being vague and off-hand. This, of course,
is driving me a little crazy, and is initiating my usual overkill response
where I make a few comments, then feel the need to explain them, and then
explain the explanation and then try and be fully serious and take it from
there. It’s usually by this stage I wish that I could just take it all back and
leave it alone. Of course, we know THAT isn't going to happen! And after I've said my ‘serious’ piece, I feel like I should just leave him to it, and wait
for a response of some kind, regardless of if it is good or bad. But I don’t
like the idea of doing that, as that seems to be game playing in my books, and
I really don’t see the necessity for it. If you like someone, say so. If you
want to see them again, do so. If you aren't interested in them, then let them
know rather than tip-toeing around like they have a heart of fine spun glass filaments.
I have heard, repeatedly, over and over and over, how you shouldn't try and look for love, that when you are ready for it, it will find
you. That may be the case, but what if the emptiness that bubbles to the
surface on these occasions is so persistent and agonising that it is like an excruciating
tooth ache? You don’t ignore it, and wait for it to fix itself, you see a
dentist. Who do you see to extract your aching loneliness?
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