My Fishy Flaws of Life

So, I was in the shower this morning, when I had a thought. (It’s funny how I have many great … and not so great … thoughts in the shower!) I guess you can’t really determine what, where, who or when will be for your muse. Actually, it wasn’t so much as a thought, as a concern. I felt, and still do, like I am floundering, probably in both sense of the word: I’m a bit like a landed flounder, out of water, flipping and flopping around, but not really achieving anything, going nowhere and getting all the more exhausted for the ‘effort’. Which is more like the intended meaning of the word, where I’m feeling bogged down, stagnant and in a definite state of ‘non-progress’.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time I’ve been exposed to, engulfed by and generally immersed in this sense of helplessness. I’m aware that there are people out there living in far greater dire circumstances than I am, but I’m not living their lives, I’m living mine. And that’s part of the problem: AM I living my life? And if I was to honestly answer that question, I would have to say, “No!”

Apart from feeling like I am floundering, other questions that bubbled to the surface of my mind as the water washed over me were (and I hate to say that these questions, also, are not new to me): do I know how to live? Do I know how to love? Do I know how to have fun? And I supposed, even to a degree, do I REALLY know how to be me? (Of course, the whole, “Who is me?” question is an entirely different and other entry, and probably WELL over 500 words!)

I would have to say fear is one of my great anchors. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of success … to a degree … fear of failure, fear of losing control, fear of being in control. With all this fear, you would think it’s a wonder I can get out the door in the mornings! Luckily, I haven’t become that bad, and I have a gut feeling that I will never get to that stage. At the very least, I enjoy people watching and perving WAAAY too much!

I think I probably look too much for outside sourced to give me my inspiration and motivation. I know I have a tendency to over think things, and suffer from analysis-paralysis. But it’s also a case of passion and desire. Why would I want to commit to something that I only have a lukewarm interest in pursuing. I’m only considering it because it’s basically all I know. I’m not sure if I need to sit down and have a good hard look at myself, or if that’s the problem: I’ve been spending too much time running over it all in my mind.

I’m at the edge of the pool, ready to jump in. I know it’s going to be as cold as hell. But you can’t learn to swim from the blocks.

Motivated ... Or Was He Pushed?

Come next Monday (27/05), at 4:00 PM, I will be enduring the most despised and invasive intrusion known to all Renter-kind: THE PROPERTY INSPECTION!!!!

Alright, so maybe it isn't QUITE that bad. Obviously, if you haven’t been putting your fist, furniture or flatmates through the windows and/or walls; haven’t dug up the carpet to see if you can see what’s happening the floor below you; or tried your mural skills on the ceiling and doors, then you really don’t have that much to worry about. However, I won’t deny that it is kind of like the property equivalent of looking into your rear-view mirror and finding that you have a Police car tailing you: you know you aren't doing anything illegal, because this is how you've always driven … but what if you've subconsciously picked up bad habits that you are unaware of? However, this 500 isn't about subliminal tortures, but motivations.

Anyone that knows me, or has chatted with me over the previous months, knows that I have been in a constant state of intimidation: I've been threatening to give my flat a decent going over and have a massive Spring Clean (either 6 months too early, or six too late … more than likely the latter!) But when I've had the opportunity to, I've simply lacked the motivation, the will, or the desire to jump in and get it done. Whilst I do only live in a one bedroom flat, by myself (no flatmates bouncing off or through the walls for me, mores the pity … or not!), my usual excuse is that it is filled with extraneous goods from my previous flat which was a two bedroom flat, where the second bedroom was more a storage (read: junk) room. Despite all this, it wasn't until I received a two week warning that I was to be subjected to a legal home invasion by the real estate agency. Even then, I still wasted the first week. Of course, last week, I had the full week to myself, only working on the weekends. This week, I've got a full week of work, so can only entomb myself within the task in the late afternoons and evenings.

Unfortunately, this has been a recurring theme for most of my life. I either wait until the last minute before delving into a task (better known as ‘cramming’, when I was at school), or it takes negative motivation to get me moving: said property inspection being a prime case. Other examples include bills and credit cards! Rather than save the money for the sake of saving (and investing) which is such a vague and hazy goal, I'm generally much better if I'm paying down a bill or working on a credit card. There is a definite and ‘real’ end to the budgeting, something that you can fixate on, and that is a tangible conclusion to the period, be it a few months or many years.

As I write this, several solutions have popped into my mind, with the overall gist being: I need to clarify my vagues!

The Brink Of Fingers And Shits.

Of course, the other title I could have given this 500 was, Down To The Wire … Again! But where is the creativity and eye-catching quality of that!

It’s been a good few weeks, if not a month, since I finally got my business necessities together: ABN, Business name registered, business cards and accoutrements. And still I haven’t done anything with it. Still I’m working weekends at a place that I don’t want to be at. Still I’m making not enough money to cover basic bills. And still, this doesn’t seem to be enough to scare the crap out of me into getting my arse into gear!

 I actually spend more time thinking about why I have a problem with taking that first step out into the world to promote myself, than I do of actually taking it! Excuses that run through my mind are that I’m waiting for the right time to approach it (when I know DAMN well that NOW is the right time … the only time!) Or that I need to get everything sorted at home and be neat and tidy where I live before I can be neat and tidy out there in the world. (This is flawed for a few reasons: 1) because it’s a case of, Huh? and 2) because the state of my flat isn’t going to affect my approaching businesses to inform them of the service that I have to offer.) I can also think of many angles that I haven’t covered, that I should probably cover, before I get out there, pimping myself. But then that didn’t stop Bill Gates and Microsoft from getting on with things, and, in fact, just about every software production that comes off the silicon line these days. How often these days are we getting patches and updates to fix bugs and improve what you would have to think is a ‘faulty’ product (if it needs these constant band-aid measures). Even my own work history should be enough to quell this argument. I started as a kitchenhand, and learnt on the job, I wasn’t an ‘instant’ cook. But the crux of the matter is that, if I made a mistake on the job, then it was under the umbrella of ‘the job’.

I’m on the brink of moving forward, and need to get my shit together and pull my finger out. I’m afraid that if I don’t get my shit together before I pull my finger out, it could get pretty messy. But then again, it could just be a little bit of wind, just what’s required to give me the momentum to get me moving forward. I have to stop being afraid of what might happen, and only concern myself with IF it happens, and then, not now. I’m afraid of what might happen, of letting people down, of not succeeding (and probably even more afraid of being successful and not coping), of it all just not working, but until I actually do something, NOTHING will happen, good or bad.

A Balmy Backstep

The other night as I was walking down the street to pick up a few supplies from the supermarket, with the warm and balmy evening wrapping each individual in it’s all embracing reach, the sounds of the crickets chirruping in the grass took me back those many, MANY years to the summers of my childhood (and I AM talking about the early years!) Is there anyone else out there who used to roll around on the lawn in that half an hour before sunset (this was in the peak of summer, and daylight savings…and usually because we were told to either play outside or go to bed!), before taking up the challenge of trying to find the noisy black insects (they are, technically, insects, right?).

It was like they could teleport from one spot to another, because no sooner did you get to where the noise was, then it would stop, but a few feet away, it would start up. How could they move that swiftly and how did they manage to always be in front of you? No matter how intently we would search through the kikuyu grass, they could never be discovered beneath the tightly woven root system and resilient green foliage. Even if we did somehow manage to sneak up on them, and capture their supposed location in cupped hands, they could not be found…or were they just being very still, very quiet, and blending their dark bodies in amongst the grass’ shadows and the darkness of the dirt from which it drew it’s nourishment.

As I continued to walk, and listen to the sounds of the street sporadically, chaotically, being orchestrated out into the world, it challenged me to actually listen to the noises, to not only identify them, but to also compare them and see what they reminded me of: what safety deposit box did they unlock in the vault of my mind? There was the screeching noise which could have been the restless and disturbed call of bats in the night, but was really a creative householder cutting up a polystyrene box for some other purpose. There was the rattle and clang, jangle and clunk of machinery that could have been either the carry-all behind the tractor, desperate in its attempt at the hula dance to dislodge us kids as we helped Dad feed the hay out to the cows and sheep; or it could have been the harrow rattling like a disturbed skeleton behind the same tractor as it breathed life into the paddock, but it was the night-time works of railway workers replacing the sleepers on a stretch of track.

So next time you happen to be walking somewhere be it leisurely or with haste, remember to take some time. Not only should you stop and smell the roses, but listen to what’s happening around you (if you can hear over the blare of beats emanating through the buds of your music player) and see what they remind you of, and where (and when) do they take you. Enjoy the trip!

Happy Demolition Day!

….and so tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! The day where you get to show the person that you love, how much you love them. Or the chance to show someone that you would like to love, how awkward and gangly you can be as you finally build up the nerve to let them know, as you fly in face of the outright terror, the fear of rejection, public humiliation (even if you DO make the supplication in private: you just KNOW that her friends are going to hear all about it!) and the esteem shattering blow to your confidence.

…..and that’s just in the STRAIGHT world! Can you imagine how much worse it would be in the GAY world? You have to suffer something even worse: indifference!

What could be worse than finally, after months of building yourself up to making that first approach, rehearsing in your mind the EXACT way, word for word, how that initial conversation will go, the nuances of the words, the subtle hand gestures, the VOLUMES that are exchanged in body language? After all that, only to have your intended turn to face you, listen as you stutter and stammer through your approach, trip on that witty quip (“That wasn’t how he was supposed to react!”); as you slowly sink into despair, searching his eyes for some sign of hope and if not outright rescue then at least a line to help you from going completely under, and finding nothing but the stony, cold unassailable rock of his unreactive face, and then to have him look you up and down, offer a smile filled with disdain (if you are lucky) or a smirk of contempt, and to say, “Yeah, right! As if!”, and then mince away.

Okay, so this might be at the extreme edge of an example, and for the most part, people do react with common decency. But reactions such as these, even if less severe, do happen. You might say that the suitor may need to work on his confidence, or not aim so high if he is that intimidated by the apple of his eye. But doesn’t the recipient of such an approach also bear some responsibility for the outcome? Yes, they didn’t provoke or initiate the approach, but they were involved. And while they are definitely under no obligation to build and bolster confidence, or otherwise provide emotional support, many of these people also forget that neither are they obliged to apply an emotional wrecking ball, to be a jack-hammer jerk or demolition dickhead if they are approached. It takes no more effort and energy to quietly acknowledge the compliment (for if anyone finds you so enamouring that they feel the desire and compulsion to make such an approach, then it IS a compliment!) and politely decline it.

Remember, regardless of how ‘hot’, ‘sexy’ and attractive you may be, EVERYONE has been rejected at some stage, and it’s not something anyone chooses. So if you are approached, and you are unable to be someone’s ‘Happy Valentine’, try at least no to make them an Unhappy one.

Lonely, Lunar Dental Care

Once again, my mind turns to love, partnerships and people that are just out of my reach, for whatever reason. My lonely heart is once again baying at the moon, howling at the eternal midnight of my love-life. And after these heart wrenching calls have torn through the silence, and faded into the still, cold emptiness, the moon continues to shine down, teasing with its light of hope, and yet invoking no reply.

Okay, so maybe that sounds a little more depressing and morose than the situation really is, but it isn’t too far away, either. What has stirred the muddy waters of my longing this time? Another face that I have long known of and about has finally noticed me and acknowledged me….kind of.

As I have written about previously, I know of and recognize many people, but due to whatever reasons, they don’t know of me and I don’t register on their radars. Well, one of these people has come into my life. Or I guess more accurately, is passing through the outer fringes of it. I understand that he is going through a difficult time in his life, and has been for a few years now. But then, he also showed interest after our first ‘encounter’ and seemed keen to catch up, and not only ‘encount’ some more, but also make it a little more broad. i.e.  not just sex but social activity as well. However, when I broached the subject with him, he’s been very reluctant to commit to it, being vague and off-hand. This, of course, is driving me a little crazy, and is initiating my usual overkill response where I make a few comments, then feel the need to explain them, and then explain the explanation and then try and be fully serious and take it from there. It’s usually by this stage I wish that I could just take it all back and leave it alone. Of course, we know THAT isn't going to happen! And after I've said my ‘serious’ piece, I feel like I should just leave him to it, and wait for a response of some kind, regardless of if it is good or bad. But I don’t like the idea of doing that, as that seems to be game playing in my books, and I really don’t see the necessity for it. If you like someone, say so. If you want to see them again, do so. If you aren't interested in them, then let them know rather than tip-toeing around like they have a heart of fine spun glass filaments.

I have heard, repeatedly, over and over and over, how you shouldn't try and look for love, that when you are ready for it, it will find you. That may be the case, but what if the emptiness that bubbles to the surface on these occasions is so persistent and agonising that it is like an excruciating tooth ache? You don’t ignore it, and wait for it to fix itself, you see a dentist. Who do you see to extract your aching loneliness?